Adopting a child – Managing the matching stage

The time it takes to match with a child or children varies greatly among adoptive families. As one of our adoptive parents described it, the matching stage can feel like a game of snakes and ladders, which sums it up perfectly! Some adopters find a match quickly, ascending the ladder straight to the ‘finish’ square. For many others, however, it can feel like a very slow and sometimes frustrating climb, up the board, often feeling like you’re back to square one.

Understanding how relentless and stressful the adoption process can be, several adopters at different stages of their adoption journey have kindly shared 10 tips for coping with the challenges of the matching stage.

1. Focus on fun

When you are going through the process of adopting a child, make sure to plan things you can look forward to – perhaps a day trip, concert, or theatre trip? It doesn’t have to be expensive; it could easily be taking some time to catch up with a friend for a walk or a coffee.

Is it possible for you to take a holiday? It could be the last one before becoming a parent or increasing your family. If a week-long holiday is beyond your budget, consider a weekend away staying with friends or family. Sometimes, a change of scenery can make a world of difference.

2. Work on your wellbeing

Whether you go for a walk in nature, read a book, have a relaxing bath, or go for a run, make sure to take time each day for self-care.

If you don’t already, try practicing mindfulness and relaxation – these could be valuable skills when you become a parent.

Look after your physical health – eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep can have a positive impact on your wellbeing, with huge benefits for your body. If you find this difficult, maybe you could ask to buddy up with a friend and exercise together.

3. Seek support

Talk to others!

Speaking about our thoughts, frustrations and worries can really help to support our mental health. Ask for support and advice from your adoption agency, and speak to your family and friends about the process and how you are feeling.

Do your friends and family have a good understanding of the adoption process? You’ll find information for family and friends on our community hub, CATCH.

Sometimes we need more support than what can be given by our support network, in this case a counsellor or therapist could be helpful.

4. Create your community

Friends and family members may be willing to offer support but may not fully understand what you’re going through during the adoption process. Consider joining a social group for prospective adopters – is there a group that resonates with you, such as, solo or LGBTQ+ adopters. Joining Facebook groups and online forums can also be an excellent way to connect with other adopters.

5. Level up your learning

Read books, watch webinars, listen to podcasts, and attend any training your adoption agency offers so you can be as prepared as possible.

CATCH is also a great resource to complement your training! You’ll find adopter interviews, webinars, podcasts and books recommended by subject experts and adopters themselves.

When adopting a child, you can never learn too much. Increasing your understanding of the impact of trauma, therapeutic parenting techniques, and particular behaviours which may become present in the future will only ever be a huge benefit to you when you’re a parent.

6. Journal through your journey

Writing down your thoughts or documenting your adoption journey can be very therapeutic.

At CATCH, we’ve heard from adopted people that they would have loved to know more about their parent’s adoption journey, so this may be something that can be shared with your adopted child or children in the future.

It might be a good distraction whilst you’re waiting to be matched to start gathering photos and stories about family and friends. Once you’ve been matched with a child, you can then put it all together in an age-appropriate way for them.

7. Prepare for parenting

Continue volunteering as this is another good distraction whilst you’re waiting!. It can help to feel good to use your time helping others, and you will get lots of first-hand experience that will be invaluable in the future.

Babysitting for friends or family can also help to improve your skills. You’ll get lots of hands-on experience, and eventually they may be willing to return the favour.

8. Practice positivity

Focus on the positives in your current life. If the adoption matching process is taking longer than you’d hoped, it may be difficult to feel positive at times, but try to think of three things each day that have been good or that you’re grateful for.

Think of the time taken to find the match as a reflection of the hard work the social workers are doing to find the best possible match for you, and the children they are matching.

9. Take note of triggers

Be aware of the things that don’t make you feel good – are there things that you can avoid? For example, if social media is one of those things that make you feel stressed, but giving it up completely is too hard, then consider whether there are people or pages you can unfollow to make the adoption experience more positive.

Don’t feel bad if you need to take a break from any WhatsApp or Facebook groups you’re a part of – you can always join again in the future!

10. Prepare for practicalities

Whilst you’re waiting for the adoption process to move forward, be as prepared as possible.

Are you able to use this time to boost your savings in case of any unexpected costs, or prepare your home for the new family member? Can you catch up with any appointments like the optician or dentist, which might be harder to get to in the early days of parenthood?